Being self-employed in design services since 1980, I was well versed in continually having to re-invent myself. But as I approached my early forties, I became very aware and scared that I was not going to experience everything and life was going to pass me by. I had faced many fears and done much self-improvement – clean and sober since 1987, all kinds of therapy, alternative methods and smoke-free since ’89. I felt I had done everything and quit everything – lost weight and issues, gained weight and issues and lost them again.

When that was not enough and I realized my childhood lessons of being only “happy, grateful and glad” got me nowhere but in denial of who I really am, I began another quest of self-discovery. When I did not possess courage myself, I developed a Secret Agent character that has courage and finds joy in tiny moments of now. Her favorite verb is “try”.
I learned Tai Chi that had a very centering effect and began a very beautiful part of my life.

What I did know about myself and others I tried to help, is the first, small, motivating thoughts and steps are the hardest. And when struggling to change, we want to hook onto someone’s wagon. I always wanted to help but discovered when it became difficult, most only wanted to talk about it and then project fears and frustrations on others, including me. I discovered when I quoted my character it removed and protected me from judgment. There was magic in that.

I developed CoCo Cheznaynay® SecretAgent of Truth & Style™ as a branding vehicle and a truth-seeking character who disperses CoCoCourage, wit and wisdom. CoCo’s about owning all of who you are and facing your fears.

Then I discovered a lesson I heard could happen – my Character turns to teach me. Who I thought would be my audience, I would become and see if I could follow my own advice.
I took scuba lessons and realized I had overwhelming performance anxiety. I had to face this or I could not progress with Coco. I finished my lessons and in 2000, went on 8 scuba trips by myself to islands of Mexico and the Dominican Republic. I called this phase “My Midlife Awakening” instead of a Crisis. To experience that much fear, work through it and then experience that much beauty and peace was the greatest gift I knew I was to teach. I was writing and designing products CoCo would offer, then another lesson.

I kept hearing divers were bothered by what to do with their hair underwater.

I invented a now patented product, by accident, as what I thought was a creative gift for facing a fear I had. This has taken me away from the original idea of just the character and writings and products but the lessons I am learning are what I was originally going to teach. In the meantime, I tried to work on my design business for money, I lost clients for strange reasons that were not seemingly my fault. I followed this vision of CoCo and prayed for guidance all along. A lot of times I am ready to give up, then something happens to make me keep trying. I am way in debt now because I keep believing this is where I am supposed to be. I am trying to get back to the original purpose of CoCo but I am so distracted by survival. I still believe in the courage and tenets of this character.

I just keep acting as if and amazing most people that know me and my fortitude. I hold on and now realize I am living a story. When I reach the back of the book, I am successful, happy and wise but until then I an example like Colonel Sanders or Walt Disney.

I had an investor who died, in 2003 my mom was sick most of the year (she died in Dec.), I experienced internet fraud of $30,000, which I got back, a bad shipment from China which I made right, a major hurtful episode with my family and I moved. Through it all, when I wanted to give up, I remember the lessons of CoCo – Own your emotions, tell the truth, be persistent and do it in your Style and “try”!